Last night after a particulary ugly incident involving me losing my mind and temper with some of my children, I took a long walk. In less than four miles, I came to a few realizations.
1. I am a horrible parent.
2. All kids deserve a loving, patient mother figure in their lives.
3. I wasn't like this before I got married. I used to be fun and nice and even patient.
4. Chocolate and exercise might not be enough in terms of therapy.
5. I worry too much about the little things, including money. (But how do I stop worrying about stuff that's always been important to me?)
6. There are a lot of apartment complexes in our town that I didn't know existed.
7. I needed to apologize to two kids and one husband (I did one before I left and the others after I got back).
8. I am not a quitter, but I felt defeated.
Unfortunately, I haven't solved my problem yet. But I have given up hope for winning StepMother of the Year Award. Ain't gonna happen. Evah. But I am looking for ways to improve. And since leaving the situation is not an option, nor is sedation, I am compiling a list of ideas.
How to Avoid a Stress/Child-Induced Temper Outburst: (feel free to add your ideas)
1. Walk away and take time out.
2. Count to 10. (I never stop to think to count, so this doesn't work for me.)
3. Learn not to care about whatever it is that is setting you off. (How do I not care?)
4. Ignore the little ankle biters.
5. Put up signs to remind you to be nice. (Mine are up too high. I don't see them enough.)
6. Pretend your kids are actually nieces, nephews or neighbor kids since we seem to treat other kids better than our own. Maybe I could give them different names. That might work.
7. Take up karate or some other discipline that leads to self mastery. Nah. Not my thing.
8. Run/massage for stress relief. (I already do this, it's not enough.)
9. Beg God for help in doing better and thank Him for this opportunity to "re-set" myself. There's a thought.
Save your praise for someone else. I deserve very little. But I am taking suggestions for my list.
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12 comments:
I don't have anything to add to your list because I have been sucking as a mother these days. But, I just wanted you to know that I understand. I feel like I spend more time being mad at Sophie or trying to stop her from making me mad then actaully playing with her and just loving her. Being a mom is hard. Pass along your wisdom as you get it. :)
Dar you really are one of my most favorite people ever. Don't forget that about yourself. I don't think being a mom is easy, but it is something that we choose to do our best in. Please add to your list not to compare oneself/strategies/time/patience etc to another mother down the block...it isn't a level playing field and never will be. Remember too that you don't have to be like anyone else to be good at what you do,--like being a missionary requires individual personalities and traits so does motherhood so there is no one perfect/ideal mold.
Begging and praying for help is my favorite tactic. Going to the temple is even recognized by my 3-year old as what I need sometimes. :)
I love you--no matter what you say or do. You are doing your best. That's all you can do.
I agree with the comments here already. You are doing your best in a difficult situation. You keep on practicing your patience and you keep on praying for help and you give yourself a break when you need it - call it Mom's time out- We ALL have those times!! You have the added stress of working full time - I have no idea how you can handle that! Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. It is also the source of the greatest joys I've known. hang in there! We will pray for you too. And thanks for being a terrific, caring, hard working, loving sister!
Thanks for the ideas, Dar! I'm sure I will refer back to them after not too long. :)
One thing that I started doing on my mission is keeping a little journal of the positive things I can notice about people. It can even be small things like "helped clear the table." Sometimes it's hard to appreciate things that seem like they "should" be doing so it helped me to count it as a blessing when I wrote it down. I know that being grateful for someone helps me a lot to love them even more than I otherwise would.
Amen to all above. Great thoughts!
Being a mom is hard, stressful, and we all feel inadequate. You are great! You do your best. You do more (work full time), and you did right to get away from the situation too. Keep striving= enduring to the end. You love them and they know it. Rachel's "praise/notice every good thing" is valid and I didn't do it well until the last few years.
Play with the kids when you can. I have seen you joke with them in a loving way, and they know you care about them.
Eat some chocolate to boost your mood. :)
Give yourself a break - take a bath, read, sleep, run, just sit in the park, whatever calms you.
It's very hard to change what you worry about. Good luck on that. :)
Love you!
TC
i've been trying to think if i have any other good advice... the only other thing i can think of is find a network. get a group of friends in a similar situation (whether the issue is being a step-mom, having teenage boys, working full-time, or whatever combination you need). these can be friends you already have, they can be online bloggers (i have a favorite blog for a young mommy with two hellions... just like my situation), whatever, but it helps me to see the problems other moms have. sometims it just helps to make jokes (about your 2 yr old that thinks she needs to sit on your lap whle you pee, for example), and sometimes it helps just to vent to people that really do understand and will not judge you to be a bad parent. it's usuallyfrustrating for me to have people tell me i really am doing a great job (especially when i know some of the things i do are NOT in the best interest of anyone, not my kids or me), but it does help to be able to talk it out :)
As a seasoned parent I feel qualified to add my two cents.
1. I can't believe the level of patience you DO show.
2. A perfect parent doesn't exist. And if they look perfect, be suspicious.
3. I sometimes wonder if Weezer has a little bit of the right idea... smile and nod and act like you didn't hear/see it. Be oblivious until you have to be livious.
4. A good cookie (or a smart one) is good for your mental health.
5. Get more sleep. (And if you decide to do this, let me know, and I won't call early in the morning.)
6. The distance to my home is like 3 or 4 miles and you're welcome any and every time. You may want to take the car though. Or maybe not. Bentley may bite your toes or your fingers, but he definitely will not bite your ankles.
I'll holler if I think of anything else.
Love you.
Take 'em down. Wrestle them to the floor with tickles until they can't breathe (or argue) and then tell them you love them ANYWAY and walk away the winner.
O r get better chocolate and a night out at the temple. I t has always recharged my batteries and given me adult time.
Just want to thank you guys for all of the great ideas and the encouragement. I felt rotten when I wrote this but have been doing much better. I'll probably be able to write a how-to post/book in the near future...
Bah ha ha hahahahahahahahah...
Thanks for your love and support, all!
Hm. If I didn't know better, I'd say your family really loves and supports you! You ARE a wonderful person, Dar. No matter what. :)
Hey Dar- I really loved what you wrote. I also loved what I read in your comment lists. You are well-thought, well-written, and well-loved. I'm impressed that you put out there what we've all been through and still we've not had the courage to express it (but you did). I think that in itself says you are a good person, you are seeking good advice, and you're smart enough to do what needs to be done. I love how you said that leaving is not an option. I am dealing with a family here where leaving was used, and the disintegration was devastating. So- you may not call your (going on a walk) dealing method a victory, but I do. Thanks for your wisdom, your sincerity, and your awesome genuine-ness (yes, I count that as a real word... you know what I mean.) Love you, Hil
I don't know if it helps, but you're not alone. I used to have a frequent fantasy of packing up in the middle of the night, grabbing Evan, and heading to Alaska. Don't ask me why Alaska, maybe just because it's far, far away. Now after seven years as a step-mama, I only feel this way when the boys are in town for a visit. Some things never change. :-) Alaska is probably much too cold for me anyway. So, keep hanging in there. I'm sure that some how this whole process is making us into better (or bitter) people!
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